Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain and 13 Reasons We Need Hope:

Dear New Hope,

“Don’t be alarmed, I’m in a safe place now, but 2 days ago I tried taking my life.” That was a text I got from a friend a week ago. He wanted hope and encouragement that God could forgive him in light of what he tried to do. I sent him Zeph. 3:17 as a reminder of God’s character:

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

I know depression. I have experienced hopelessness. I have felt the dark clouds of “this is never going to change” hover over me. I have, on rare occasion, even self-medicated trying to dull the pressures of life. I read a phrase from Isaiah recently that described seasons of my faith journey: “all joy has grown dark” (Isa. 24:11). Through all the melancholy moments however, I have never reached a point where the thought of “ending it all” wrapped me in despair, but my heart aches for those who are in so much pain (emotional or physical) that they figure the only way out is to take their own life.

Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are just 2 recent examples of people who had massive amounts of wealth and fame, but whose inner world was eating away at their souls. Spade (55 years old) took her life in New York City, while Bourdain (61 years old) died in a hotel room in France. Both of them were high capacity people, well known in their industries, Spade for her fashion design and Bourdain for his love of fine food and adventure.

Yet deep down, something gnawed away at them. A Fox News article on Bourdain indicated that the celebrity chef felt “reasonably happy,” that he “had things to live for” including his daughter, but that he also had contemplated suicide many times. A Wall Street Journal article on June 7, 2018 said that Spade “suffered from depression and anxiety,” and her husband indicated “there were personal demons she was battling.” In one of the most telling lines of the article, it said of Spade:

“The 55-year old designer’s troubled inner life contrasts with the image she presented to the world.”

Who would’ve seen it coming? Mr. Bourdain was in France filming another episode for television, but on Friday he was found dead. Ms. Spade talked to her dad on the phone Monday night, apparently excited about a trip to California coming up with her daughter. Yet, on Tuesday morning she was dead, leaving her daughter a note: “Bea, I have always loved you. This is not your fault. Ask Daddy.” Imagine being a 13 year old girl, growing up in the shadow of fame and fortune, but now losing your mommy in such a tragic way! Pray for Bea today. And pray for all people who still struggle with the impact of a family member’s suicide.

The Middle Age U-Curve Suicide Crisis

Why does there seem to be a spike in suicides among middle-aged folks, even those who have fame and fortune? Another Wall Street Journal article, The Mystery Around Middle-Age Suicides, examines why suicide rates for those 45-64 are “higher than almost any other age group.” It attributes the higher rates to common factors such as depression, mental illness, stress, ongoing physical pain, substance abuse, loneliness or isolation, financial problems, and relationship issues, especially with a spouse. In light of all these stressors, Dr. Samantha Boardman, a clinical instructor in medicine and psychiatry, wrote, “Life satisfaction hits an all-time low in middle age. This dip in happiness is known as the U-Curve. Juggling responsibilities and managing multiple roles takes a toll and can lead to feeling overwhelmed, a loss of control, and despair.” In other words, when a person feels life has reached its lowest point on the U-Curve, and they despair of things never getting better, they are at a common trigger point to end it all.

One woman from New Hope emailed me this week helping to bring perspective regarding this struggle and how difficult it is, even for a believer in Jesus Christ:

“I know that my irrational thoughts, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irrational fears are not valid. I can identify that, but that does not mean that they are not there. Those who are on medication can identify their symptoms of schizophrenia or being bi-polar, but that doesn’t mean that they are no long schizophrenic or bi-polar. Our mind can do irrational, crazy, wild things when it is sick. Sick just like the liver, heart, kidneys can be sick. People who have cancer, can have extraordinary faith but still have cancer. People who struggle with suicide can still have extraordinary faith. This is probably their foundation, a fighting tool that is keeping them alive.”

This is such a powerful perspective to keep in mind as followers of Jesus. Sitting among us on Sundays during our worship can be people who love Jesus immensely and yet are trying to overcome the darkness of depression that is suffocating them.

Another woman in our church emailed me about her long battle with darkness and admitted:

“When pain is high, the will is low. I have cried out to the Lord with tears and no words, other than ‘help me’.”

The Popularity of Suicide Among Teenagers

One of the most well-known young song writers at this time, especially among teens, is Shawn Mendes. His song “In My Blood” recounts his personal struggles of darkness, where Mendes feels overwhelmed, isolated, and simply wants to escape it all:

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?

I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me

Parents, your teens know this song. Imagine, a teenager laying on the bathroom floor, feeling worthless and alone and simply wanting a way out. Where do they turn? Who do they call to say, “Help me”? Suicide is often viewed as the only way out of a miserable life, and then with it being popularized or even celebrated by media and songs, it seems to be a “heroic” way out.

And then there is the TV series 13 Reasons Why, which follows the impact on a school after a teenager (Hannah) took her life. This series has become extremely popular among teens. Over the last couple weeks, I have watched 7 episodes to get a feel for its tone and its message. It is gut wrenching to watch, as Hannah’s death is treated as if it was heroic. Her voice from the grave manipulates the emotions of those who are still alive. You can feel the weight of blame being shifted to the living: “If you had just done this…what if you had just done that…why didn’t you?…” And there are the voices of the teens who “just want to move on,” but who are scolded for their insensitivity. For those who lose a loved one to suicide however, there is no way to “just move on.” There is a cloud that lingers, questions that go unanswered, and feelings of shame and regret that simply don’t go away. By the way, parents, I recommend you pay close attention if your children are watching 13 Reasons. I think its popularity and its subtle messages can be dangerous, especially when watched through the lens of an unfiltered young teen who is feeling hopeless.

Is there any wonder why one Wall Street Journal article (written by Jeanne Whalen) reported that the rates of young people being treated for suicidal thoughts nearly “doubled between 2008 and 2015”? Does it surprise you that the “rates were higher during the school year” and that “nearly 2/3 of the visits involved girls”? Does it surprise you that “suicide was the second leading cause of death among 10-24 years olds in 2016” and that those who are studying this rise of suicides are suggesting that children’s “use of social media and smartphones may also be factors, fueling cyberbullying and feelings of inadequacy”? A separate Wall Street Journal article, also written by Whalen, reported that “suicide death rates have risen significantly in most states…with 25 states recording increases of more than 30%.” My friends, we are dealing with a national crisis which has touched us right here in Northern Michigan too many times.

Words of a surviving mom

One mom in our church, Ann, still wrestles with the suicide of her son. Reaching out to her this week, I asked her to write about the experience as a help for us to process. She wrote:

Unfortunately I think on this subject often, especially this past week with the deaths of Kate and Anthony. It’s weird, I own so many Kate Spade dresses…and Tom and I would always stop if Anthony’s show was on TV, we found the places he visits and the people he meets very fascinating.

The unfortunate part of suicide is that each story is different. Sometimes people struggle with depression and/or addiction and they just want to end the pain…Some instances the individual has gotten themselves into trouble, either financially or something else, or a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse has left and they feel hopeless. But it’s when a suicide completely blindsides those left to wonder – “WHAT?? HOW??….They had it all….But they were so happy” – it’s just so hard to wrap your mind around it.

Obviously as a mom, you wonder “what did I miss I’m such a failure…what a horrible mom I was not to see SOMETHING.” In our situation for days I thought: “Why didn’t he call us.”

When I see the topic of suicide discussed, I just see Satan’s hand all over it. He makes someone feel so alone, so worthless, that there is no way out of the pain and killing yourself, they feel, is the only way out. I learned after Stefan’s passing that the divorce rate after a child commits suicide in a family is 85%. So not only is Satan interested in taking out an individual, he can take down a whole family if you’re not actively seeking God and relying on Him to walk hand in hand with you during this most painful time you will ever have. You need to give grace to your spouse that may be grieving very differently from you.

I guess my take away, as we are 6 yrs down the road from that day, is I know God see’s all, He knows all, and He can use this for good. I don’t know if I will know the full plan of what or why this entered our lives this side of Heaven, but I trust that someday I will know. Just like that song “Already There” by Casting Crowns says “Someday I’ll stand before You and look back on the life I lived, I can’t wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit.” God is still good and He is still on the Throne, and I look forward to getting all my questions answered.”

So, let’s finish with 13 truths or observations, both for those in depression and those who are still grieving the loss of a loved one.

God loves you. No matter how isolated or lonely you feel, the God of the Universe loves you.
People care about you. The lie is often, “nobody would care if I die.” It’s a lie. People do love you and they care deeply about you.
Refuse to isolate. The darkness of depression lies to us. The darkest moment is actually the time we need to reach out to say “help me.” One lady at New Hope wrote: “I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years…If it were not for my love of Jesus, I know in my heart that I would not be here today…From my own experience, depression and suicidal thoughts are a tremendous stronghold in ones’ life…One time, I was in a very bad place emotionally and was on the phone with a Christian friend. I didn’t tell her of my thoughts. She was heading home, and the Lord prompted her to turn around and come to my house. In tears, I looked outside my window when there was a knock at my door. And lo and behold it was an ‘angel’, my friend. She held me, talked with me, and told me how loved I was. I hope someday I will be prompted in the same way to be that ‘angel’ to someone else.”
There is always hope. Pain lies. Trouble lies. If we let the lies control us, they will eat us up from the inside out.
Each story is different. Like Ann said, there is no “one size fits all” reason for why someone takes their life. We need to have sensitive hearts and listening ears so we avoid giving trite answers to peoples’ grief.
Satan’s hand is all over it. Satan is a liar and the father of lies. He’s a murderer from the very beginning. He not only seeks to destroy individuals, but to tear apart families.
Be on the lookout. Watch for signs of isolation, depression, loneliness, and family separation. Take active steps to reach out and show care and concern for those in danger.
Self–medicating is not the solution. There is little question that the rise in overdose and heroin usage in our area is a direct connection to the hopelessness people are feeling. Whether you turn to alcohol or heroin to dull the pain, know that these lead down a dark path.
Beware of survivor guilt. Ann is spot-on. Those who grapple with grief often wonder: “what did I miss…I’m such a failure…why did I not see SOMETHING.” Often times, suicide is simply inexplicable and it does little good to bear the burden of shame and guilt that we were somehow at fault.
Looks can be deceiving. Spade and Bourdain are 2 examples of high capacity people whose lives were still deteriorating. Yes, poor people commit suicide as well. The point is, depression is no respecter of persons. Wealthy, poor, famous, ordinary, young, old…all are susceptible.
Teens are especially in danger. The pressures of life, the strain of social media, the constant comparison with other kids, the bullying…teens can’t escape pressures even at home! Those of us with teens need to constantly speak hope and life into them, reassuring them of Christ’s love and our love.
Lay on the bathroom floor with people. When Shawn Mendes writes about being hopeless on the bathroom floor, it may be a metaphor, but trust me: there are many people who go home, curl up in a fetal position, and just want to die. Identify those who are at risk, and slide in along side them to encourage and exhort and be a cheerleader of hope.
God is still good. Ann is right about this. Even with unanswered questions and anger and frustrations and doubts and fears…God is still good. He delights in His people. He wants us to experience the abundant life in Jesus Christ. And in His blood, there is cleansing of sin.