Have you ever noticed how difficult it can be to say those two words, “I’m sorrrrrrrry”? Maybe you’ve had a conflict with a spouse and said things you shouldn’t have. Inside your heart, you know what the right thing to do is–go to your spouse and speak those two words. But then comes all the rationalizing: “Well, they did this. They were more wrong than me. What I did was simply react to what they did.” On and on the excuses whirl about in your mind. Meanwhile, you are paying a high relational cost simply because you refuse to bend the knee and give up those two words.In a fascinating Wall Street Journal (WSJ) article, Suzanne Vranica reported on how costly it has become for companies to say “I’m sorry” to their constituents. Referring to recent company failures, Vranica describes how companies like Facebook and Wells Fargo have joined an “atonement tour” to seek forgiveness from their customers, hoping to win them back. Just how high of a price are they paying to say “I’m sorry”?

• Facebook (as of May 29, 2018) has shelled out over $30 million in commercials “pledging to address fake news and data misuse.” Whoa! A $30 million campaign to say, “I’m sorry. We’ll do better.” That’s an expensive apology!
• Wells Fargo has spent over $21 million on a commercial campaign called “Earn Back Your Trust,” in which they apparently are vowing to fix problems and satisfy their customers.

As we reflect on the high cost that companies are paying to say “I’m sorry,” I see two distinct issues in the works:

1. What prevents us from saying “I’m sorry”?
2. Does saying “I’m sorry” have to be so costly?

Let’s consider the first issue: What prevents us from saying “I’m sorry”?

• We simply don’t want to own it. It’s as old as Adam and Eve. We would rather shift the blame to others, point the finger, and say, “The woman you gave me, Lord, she did it.” Recently one of my daughters finally said “I’m sorry” after moping about an issue for several hours. When she apologized for her behavior, she used a metaphor: “Dad, you know when you are about to enter a building and you can choose between the automatic doors and manual doors? Well, I think that God was giving me ‘automatic doors’ to get out of my anger, but I kept walking right past them and tried to do it myself.” Her point was, she saw the opportunity to get out of her anger and repair the relationship. All she had to do was say “I’m sorry.” But pride made her unwilling.
• Taking Offense. The WSJ article quotes an advisor for Wells Fargo who says “We live in an age of rage.” He’s right. Perhaps the political landscape has affected our rhetoric where we now have permission to be outraged about anything. So, assuming the position of a victim, we cower in a corner, offended and indignant by what somebody has done to us. Embracing that offense, we may find ourselves simply unwilling to let it go.
• Sometimes we don’t appreciate the difference of perspective and are oblivious to the fact that we did anything wrong. Recently there was another family issue involving a conflict between one of my daughters and me (Yes, we are a normal, dysfunctional family.) As she stood in the kitchen crying, she said: “Dad, I am so angry with you right now.” In my mind, the issue was not that big, but for my daughter it was monumental.  Furthermore, I reasoned, I didn’t actually do anything wrong. In those moments when there is a difference of perspective, we often neglect to say “I’m sorry,” leaving the other person to wallow in their pain.

Now for the second issue: Does saying “I’m sorry” have to be so costly? Let me offer two answers:

• Saying “I’m sorry” does not have to cost millions. It doesn’t even have to cost a dime. Forming those two words in our mouth is the easiest, most inexpensive way to repair a relationship. It doesn’t have to cost time, relationship, or money.
• Saying “I’m sorry” is the most costly thing you will ever do. It costs you your pride, admitting fault. It costs you your ego, acknowledging that you are not perfect. Forming those two words in your mouth is the hardest, most expensive thing you will ever do because it takes courage and humility to own responsibility for what you have done.

Think about a conflict in your life where relationships remain fractured. Is there something you can personally do to mend the relationship by simply saying “I’m sorry”?

• Perhaps a relationship with a spouse is suffering, and both of you have retreated to your silent corners, unwilling to seek forgiveness and waiting for the other one to yield first. If pride is keeping you back, let me give you a tip to inspire you–the person who bridges the gap and offers those words “I’m sorry” is actually the more mature one! So what’s keeping you back? Take the first step and form those two, free words, “I’m sorry.”
• Perhaps a relationship with a parent or child has suffered because of years of issues. There may be so much baggage and garbage piled up, you’re not even sure where it all started. What you do know is that the conflict has become so complex, and the hurt is so deep that you don’t even know where to begin. Here’s a place to start: take responsibility for whatever you personally have done wrong, and without expectation say, “I’m sorry.”
• Perhaps a work relationship has soured. It’s a person you see every day but there is hidden resentment or bitterness that has developed between the two of you. In your mind, the other person has been at fault because of ego, pride, harsh words, and a competitive spirit. But let me ask you: Have you anything to own? Is there any place where you can openly admit to that person that you acted with arrogance? Saying “I’m sorry” is so costly in situations like this because you know the other person is far more wrong than you. What is the Spirit calling you to do?

About a week ago, as I was sitting in our living room working on a project, my wife asked me a question. My response was cold, quick, and insensitive. She had done nothing wrong. I was simply focused on my task and inadvertently offended her. Kori walked away politely and said nothing, but I immediately had this sense: “Craig, you blew it. Your response was not right. You offended your wife and made her feel stupid. You should say ‘I’m sorry.’” For the next five minutes, I sat there using every excuse in the book to justify my not needing to say “I’m sorry.” But, finally, I formed those two words in my mouth and said: “Honey, I’m sorry for my response. I didn’t mean to come across like that. Would you forgive me?” It was the cheapest, and yet the most expensive thing I could do. It was cheap because it cost me nothing. It was expensive because I had to bend my knee in humility.

My friends, saying “I’m sorry” does not have to cost millions. I encourage you to seek restoration of relationship, win back the trust of a family member, and take responsibility for what you’ve done wrong. The automatic door is open. The choice is yours. Will you walk through it?

You are loved,

Craig Trierweiler